Living with ambiguity – what can I do about it?

In Israel, we are in lock-down. Again. But people aren’t as afraid and people are not following the lock-down so strictly this time. This means the economy is suffering but the lock-down might not work, or might not work quickly, which means that children are home from school and we don’t know when they will go back. As a mother of three, I am finding this more than challenging. Trying to maintain a normal routine when nothing is normal, is really hard, maybe even beyond the pale of expectation. Like most of us, I like to be in control and living life normally during a pandemic is not really in our control.

Living with Ambiguity

Since the last lock-down, in March, I, like many of you, have been living in a constant state of ambiguity: While I do have control over my choices, I feel pulled in two directions. Every choice I make has a calculated risk attached to it. I am weighing mine or my families’ mental health against physical safety concerns. For example, we decided to join the pool this summer. Our pool is outdoors and heavily chlorinated. I calculated that the mental health benefits outweighed the physical safety dangers, i.e. the fear of getting COVID-19. These are the calculations I have been making for the last eight months, and weighing them against the fact that we want to be able to keep seeing my in-laws, who are over 70, but do not want to risk getting them sick.

When politicians calculate the importance of a lock-down they have to take into consideration the mental health cost, and other physical safety risks as well. Suicide has gone up, as has domestic violence and child abuse. Children are expected to learn from home, but not everyone has enough computers for their children. Not everyone has the luxury of a parent at home who is available to take the child by the hand and sign them into all their classes and make sure they understand what they are learning. This will cause a major learning gap between the children who are able to learn online and those who are not.

For many of us, being home all the time, with few social interactions, is lonely and difficult and challenging. And really, this all adds up to having to make tough decisions, fraught with ambiguity. What’s safe? I want to be safe, but I don't want to be a prisoner. What risks can I take? Should I see a friend? I really want to, but what if I get her and her family sick because I am sick and I don't know it? What if I am going nuts on my own? How can I do this while taking the least amount of risk?

So, what’s the answer? How can we get through this?

WE NEED TO LEARN TO LIVE IN THIS STATE OF AMBIGUITY - AND BE MINDFUL AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

This all comes back to the idea of mindfulness - being aware of how we are feeling in the moment we are feeling that way. We need to acknowledge that we are living in a very challenging time. There are a lot of unknowns. We have to constantly make decisions that aren’t obvious, while being pulled in opposite directions. But if I am mindful of how I am feeling, it means making a schedule and then being flexible about that schedule. If my daughter doesn’t want to go to her sports class, I send her outside to ride her bike. It means, when the kids want ice cream after lunch, I sometimes let them. It means noticing how I am feeling and making the right food choices so that I eat to fuel my body when I need to refuel and comfort it when I need comfort, but knowing what I am doing when, so I can be appropriate in those choices. It means making sure everyone is getting enough exercise every day so that we all feel good. It might mean taking a "mental health day" off - letting your kids do nothing but veg out, and letting yourself relax too. And that's OK. And it’s about accepting the fact that we don’t know when this will end, and how our lives will be profoundly changed. It means allowing ourselves to change with the inevitable and not hold on to something that isn’t going to be. It means accepting the ambiguity and flowing with it, wherever it takes us.

It means taking the time to breath deeply, do some yoga, eat your own ice cream/beer/wine or just relax into the unknown. It’s really important that we carve out this time every day: whether it’s a walk or a bike ride; an exercise class on zoom or YouTube; time to write in your journal; a private corner of the house to indulge in something you don’t have to share; a talk with a beloved friend or loved one; but find the time to do this every day. This is how we are going to continue to grow and live with ambiguity.

Here’s a link to how I dealt with the last lock-down & tips and tools for dealing with this difficult situation: https://www.healthyimagetherapy.com/post/how-i-am-staying-sane-during-this-generation-altering-pandemic