From Ambivalence to Control – the best way to be our best selves in this pandemic

Last week I wrote about ambivalence – the uncertainty we face when confronted with two opposing views at once. In this case; staying safe in the time of COVID-19 versus a return to normalcy plus masks and social distancing.

To Stay home or Go out

The issue that is currently pressing on my mind is whether my 65-year-old mother should get on a plane from NJ to Chicago to visit her soon to be born grandchild, my youngest sister’s first baby. Granted, this is not my decision to make, but I have a lot of skin in the game. My mother has hardly been leaving the house, only for outdoor and masked visits with friends or immediate family, including her children and grandchildren who are within driving distance. But my mother is a widow, which means she is often alone, but it also means she is her children’s only surviving parent. So as her child, who doesn’t really get to decide for her, I am weighing in – where should our priorities lie – mental health or physical health? Not seeing her youngest daughter’s first grandchild for an indeterminate amount of time comes with a certain heartbreak for my mother and my sister, but is it worth taking that risk? I guess it would depend on how great a risk she is really taking, and the answer is: we don’t know. Again, we are left with the three least fun answers: uncertainty, lack of control and ambivalence.

Every day we are now in the business of risk assessment

These are the risk assessments and questions that ambivalent people all over the world are facing every day. I see some of my clients on zoom and some in person, but should I move everyone to zoom, even those that really don’t want to? Am I taking too great a risk? People have to decide; Should I go to work? Should I socialize, even outside? Should I go to the grocery store or have online delivery? My heart goes out to all those who don’t feel safe leaving their homes. It’s been more than 8 months and we still don’t know how long this will last or when the next lock-down will be. And we are all suffering from this ambivalence at a time when we are hoping we can trust in our government to guide us, but we aren’t sure they know how either. I think it’s the uncertainty and lack of control over our situation that causes for some, or for sometimes, excruciating anxiety and pain.

What exactly makes this so painful?

On a more global note, when we suffer it’s not necessarily always the pain that causes the suffering, but rather the fear of the pain and the degree of control over the pain that we have that causes the suffering. In 1964, Marty Seligman and Steve Maier did an experiment about how dogs respond to pain. What they found was astounding. Two groups of dogs received the same intermittent shocks, but one group was able to press a lever which would stop the shocks and the other group did not have that lever. So, group 1, had some control over the pain, whereas group 2 did not. The next day, they were again given shocks, but this time there was a low wall they could jump over and escape all shocks. From group 1 most of the dogs escaped. From Group 2 only 1/3 of the dogs escaped. The other 2/3s lay down and waited for the shocks to end. Scientists have used this seminal study to explain learned helplessness, grit (the 1/3 who still escaped) and ultimately fear when we have no control.

This lack of control over a fearful and painful situation brings me back to what we are all facing worldwide. But for most of us, what we do have is control of how we are handling it. And having some control is crucial for our mental health.

How we utilize the control we have is key

That control can be a decision to prioritize physical health; socially distancing and wearing a mask, which I sincerely hope everyone has committed to adopting because it’s so important, We take back control by eating healthy, exercising and breathing fresh air, resting enough and eating well and listening to your body and what it needs.

It can mean taking on more acts of kindness, getting to know your neighbors in a more meaningful way, reaching out, to the people around you and especially to those who are older or alone.

It can mean finding a way to make your profession useful to you or others in this time, or retraining so that you have a way to make money.

It can mean giving more charity, especially locally, if you are able to, and accepting charity from others if you cannot give, but need it yourself.

It can mean trying to stay positive and avoid negativity – I don’t mean suppress it, but make a conscious effort to look for the positive and be thankful for the positive. Sometimes avoiding negativity can be really hard, especially when there is so much to complain about, so depending on where you at, you can take it as a goal to avoid negativity for one hour a day, and build up from there. And you can write out 5 positives every day before bed and read them when you wake up in order to help you focus on the positives. Challenge yourself to keep those positives novel.

These are some ways we can take control back. When a problem is worldwide, in a way, it can bring us as a society closer together. It bridges the gaps because we are all struggling with the same problem. It can certainly make us more of a community, especially if we can try not to blame the other and focus on the together.

Please comment with suggestions of how we can encourage each other; every little bit helps.